The end is nigh...

I am sad yet at the same time, relieved as is perhaps the feeling of most (if not all) my peers. The last 6 years have had its ups and downs though I have almost no memory of any of it, really. I will probably be reliant on others to dredge up the "Hey, do you remember that time..." stories when we are having a catch-up dinner in 5 years time. It will be good times.

This post started off with an intention to ... reminisce perhaps. But thinking about my best or worst memories made me realise that there's alot I don't want to share. With anybody. My best and my worst memories are also my most personal. I thrive on the impersonal, detached, surreal. It's selfish, yes but maybe I'll relive them one day when the meaning to my memories won't matter anymore. It really comes down to my cowardice --

      You know what, scratch that. I'm sick of saying those same things over and over again. I will tell you how to live a highschool life complete (or at least, amanda-esquely):

+ Belong to a posse who calls themselves "the [insert name of place where the posse hangs out] group"
+ Go to a half-boarding agricultural high school - make friends with the cows, goats, chickens, pigs, alpacas, peacocks, the smell of fresh manure... not the sheep.
+ Live up to your nerdy, asian, 'daygo' image - be proud of it!
+ Make friends with people you will end up hating
+ Join a rock band and think you are the bee's knees 
+ Get with someone, then it wouldn't work and break up
+ Go on camp every single year and sleep with sleep in the same room as your posse - stay up most nights to play silly games and talk D&M-ly
+ Get drunk with some mates and do things you probably would not do if you were in your right mind i.e. hook up with a random
+ Make friends with more people you will end up hating
+ Counteract the hateful friend-making by making friends with heaps of people from other grades - you're bound to like at least one of them
+ Fall in love with a teacher - make it bleedingly obvious yet not obvious
+ OR, for the less adventurous, find a teacher who just "clicks" with you - annoy them to death with an onslaught of hugs at random intervals
+ Towards your senior years, go to the library a lot. So much that you start to recognise other regulars such as yourself.
+ Find a fag to hag onto. One that has more fashion sense, beauty, charisma, intelligence etc. as they will be your ticket to almost anywhere within the school. Ensure many adventures are had with said queen.

Those are just some of the things I can think of tonight. I should go study now.

CHECK OUT DAMIEN RICE, HE ROCKS.

And he is also my new Irish lover man.

So trials are finished and I've spent the last 3 days doing absolutely next to nothing at all. To be more exact, I've spent hours on end watching TV and playing my PSP. It's been fantastic. I caught all 3 Nightmare on Elm Street movies on the Sci-fi channel. Biggest waste of time though, they were shithouse. Johnny Depp had a role in the first movie but that doesn't exempt it from shithouse-dom. Better movie: The Prestige. It makes me want to be a magician but then again, whatever movie I watch dictates my life's ambitions.

E.g. The Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy inspires me to practice piracy... In all convoluted pragmatism, it is a half-baked notion which I simply can't follow through. Although I do support pirates when it comes to "PIRATES V NINJAS, WHO WILL WIN???"

What else?

First day back at school and already, I am ready to kill people. Seriously, I am scared that these violent thoughts will soon become tangible and all of a sudden I'll be in a clocktower brandishing a sniper rifle and my most immediate predicament will be who I shall make an example of first...

My mother is annoying the piss out of me more than ever. I cannot even begin to describe the torrent of emotions I feel when she is near me. All I can do is grit my teeth and ignore her while I get over this period of ... whatever it is. But you know, I'm slowly turning into Maverick with these spiteful thoughts towards the matriarchal figure in my life. Conversely, he is turning into me as hateful thoughts of killing people are consuming him. Maybe we spend too much time together if this sort of thing is happening. But I'd be happier if I had more classes with the boy. We still get up to mischief every now and then like the days of past, it's just limited by certain factors.

Oh yeah, MIKE! If you're reading this, are you Mike as in mister-breakdancer-aspiring-physician-philosopher-mathematician-genius whose opinions and worldly views I admire and respect? If so, I'm sure you have my email. I just haven't been on MSN lately because of school and other stupid things eating into my sad excuse for a social life. Yeah, I miss the old days of SEF (finalfantasy.net links me to khinsider? is that meant to happen?). Anyhow, email me if you want to catch up... or just read this piece of crap blog :)

Cheers <3

Let me begin by saying that... trials started yesterday and like everyone in my year, I am exhausted and tired of year 12. I want to fast forward all this bureacratic shit and just get on with it.

You know, everytime I start talking about something on this blog... I re-read it about a billion times before hitting the post button and there's alot of deleting and editing and I end up hating everything I write anyway. FUCK. Seriously, I wrote something like three or four paragraphs but re-read them and found them to be too needy and emo and it disgusted me. I had to erase it. And now those words are lost and no one will ever know the extent of my emo-ism. Just as it should be.

Okay, one thing that's really bothering me - I need to get it out of my head. I loathe people. Not all people of course... there's not enough hatred in my body to hate everyone. Yet. I'll figure out how to get there once the HSC is over. For now, I am just obscenely annoyed by the presence of one Jole who insists on speaking to me everytime we make eye contact. And being the passive punce that I am, I simply cannot tell people exactly what I think of them (I'm also working on this). Yesterday, he was lamenting how he hadn't got enough studying done for the English Advanced Modules exam today. I forced a laugh and continued my studying. The proper response: well, that's too bad Jole because we've had plenty of notice and you should be more organised. After a while, he decides to come over to where I am seated. He sees my notes SPROULEd (lol. Ahem.) out on the desk and picks them up, flicks through them and keeps saying in a nerdy kind of way "must. steal.". My intial response was to ignore it and answer with either a laugh or "yes" and nothing that would lead to further conversation. In the end, I tell him "If you really need them then photocopy it" to which his eyes light up as his agenda has been fulfilled. The proper response: Those are my notes. I've spent hours putting together notes and putting in the effor to go to tutors to learn the shit. Fuck off Jole, I'm trying to study."

But no. That's not what happened. He then has the nerve to ask me for money to photocopy. Thankfully, even though I can't be more aggressive, i can lie better than a politician. He pulled a similar stunt a month ago, when it was a few days before the physics assessment. At least there won't be any more opportunities for him to annoy me about exams in the near future. However, it means I don't have another opportunity to assert myself. Que sera sera. On a side note, as he gave me back my notes, Jole gave me an awkward hug. Most will know my penchant to express overenthusiastic love and affection through hugs and thus, it really means something when I say that what Jole did, as an attempt as 'thanks' I suppose,  was the most uncomfortable thing I'd ever experienced.

Also, couples annoy me but I guess that comes down to my own lack of such personal relationships and my resentment in chasing people who are, ideally and practically, not suited for me.

I am not emotionally healthy or spiritually balanced.

I just finished reading Deathly Hallows.

... BEWARE OF SPOILERS AHEAD.

Personally the book is a tragedy. Tragic in the sense that many beloved characters die and with no proper sort of literary requiem in the epilogue. And also tragic in the way that confirms my long asserted opinion of J K Rowling's subpar writing skills. That is not to say that she is not a master of storytelling; it is a children's book after all.

I am particularly blown away and flabbergasted by the deaths of Fred, Lupin, Tonks and Snape. There were plenty more who were injured, tortured viciously or killed but either I cannot recall from the top of my head (it is getting rather late in the evening) or they were minor characters who did not have a place in my personal fandom. I am a little bit traumatised over the killing off of Lupin and Tonks. I liked this canon pairing... it was fantastic. I suppose the fact that they had a son right before getting killed is supposed to make RL/NT fans feel better? Highly unlikely.
Also, I am DISTRAUGHT over Severus Snape's death. He was and remains to be my favourite character in the series especially after chapter thirty three The Prince's Tale. Of course, it merely served as confirmation to my long kept theories surrounding him, his past, his relationship with Lily and Albus - HE WAS GOOD ALL ALONG JERKS.
Take that! Snape fandom prevails!

Sigh... all these deaths also mean I lose my bet with Sean. NOOOOO, I was wrong and he was right (for most of it)!!!! BAH HUMBUG.

Another thing that is bothering me is the fact that Harry and Ginny names one of their kids Albus Severus. Was they high or something. That's a terrible name for a child, regardless of whatever epoch they live in. It seemed the leaked Deathly Hallows pages that had "Albus Severus" in the epilogue were real after all. I was truly under the impression that someone had gone through the trouble to write a terrible fanfiction and make it look as though it were real.

In closing, as I can hardly feel the need to continue ranting virtually (admittedly, it is more satisfying in person) all is NOT well J K Rowling.


P.S. Though I am a tad dIsappointed, I still love Harry Potter.